| ...................... |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|05:56 am] |
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I really wish I had someone to talk to right now. I feel like my world is falling down around my head. There's no one, though. I think that I have lost every last one of my friends. |
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| Dream |
[May. 25th, 2006|08:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
It's odd how drams can show much of your heart. The other night I woke up from a really odd dream ... one that, after thinking about it, knew was just so reminsce of my feelings right now.
I went to Seattle to visit Jessi in the summer, but school was still in session for some reason (dreams are so odd). So we got dressed and met up with Cla, and they sort of walked ahead of me like Kayla and Laura would do. So we went to school and I just sat in all her classes to watch, but every time I tried to sit next to Jessi, the teachers would scream "NO! NOT THERE! That's CLA'S seat! You're not allowed to sit there!" then they would point over by Marcus and go "Sit over there. That's where you're supposed to sit." So, I just complied and sat by Marcus. Then, I got an idea. If I couldn't sit by Jessi, then I may as well be of some use, right? So I wrote her a note that said "Hey, if you want I can find out stuff for you." She got it, looked up at me, and sort of just ... dropped it. It was sort of like that for every class. Every time, the teacher would yell at me to sit by Marcus and not Jessi. At lunch, I sat by myself because the table that Jessi was at was filled with all her friends and there was no room for me ... Hero rode by in a hummer outside the window, along with Lyn, and they all stared mindlessly until he was gone. Then they went back to what they were doing.
Where the heck did that come from? Oh well ... whatever. I felt like the teachers were God, telling me that it wasn't my place to be her friend anymore, or something. Maybe it isn't, and I should just back off. |
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| Eh. |
[May. 9th, 2006|10:23 pm] |
It's been a while, yeah ... I know. But whatever. I don't care. I'm just so tired right now ... I want to just ... give up. I'm ALMOST done with high school though. Graduating in two weeks! But ... going to college? It's getting closer and closer and i'm getting more and more scared. As soon as I go to college, the rest of my life is nothing but monotony, mundane, boring ... do it for the rest of my life stuff.
I don't know ... I just feel like ... nothing should be about ME. Is something wrong with that? I mean ... lately, it's all been about me, everyone wants to know about me ... Me me me. I HATE it! HATE HATE HATE! I can't stand being the center of attention ... it makes me so uncomfortable, and I always feel so guilty and unworthy and indebted to everyone. I get a compliment and I feel like I should work a thousand times harder to deserve it. The more people praise me, the more I feel like sinking into the mud ...
It's different when I perform ... It's not about ME when I play the piano. It's about the peice, and the interpretation. No one really looks at me when I perform, because i'm not pretty, or even remotely attractive, so it doesn't even matter. But when I perform, people just see the peice i'm playing ... and not me. I love that. I'm doing something, but it isn't actually ME everyone is looking at. What they don't know, is ... well, it sort of is me. But they don't need to know that.
And then ... What if college changes my relationship with Jessi? She's seriously the only person on this freaking planet (aside from Ethan) that I connect with completely and utterly. I mean, everything fits so perfect ... We match where we should, and then we're opposites where we should be. But what if I get so busy, that ... she just decides to find another RPing friend? To replace me? I mean, I guess I deserve it ... I don't even live near her, so what am I so depressed about? I should just stop being a selfish bitch and get over it, right?
My mom ... she's just been in constant pain. I'm afraid for her, because she's too stubborn to go get her back examined fully. She's always yelling and screaming and blah blah blah. The other night she said the most hurtful things she's ever said to me (after my senior recital, nonetheless).
I dunno. I'm just too angsty for my own good ... especially lately. I need something to get this angst out, but i'm too afraid to tell anyone to help me. Writing would really help, but ... I don't want to annoy Lexi with angst, because she hates angst. I don't want to pick someone that Jessi doesn't feel like dealing with, because then she won't be able to write at all. And Becky ... I dunno, I don't feel comfortable doing some stuff with her. Nicole is never online, and RPing with Tash is sort of mundane. It's fun, but mundane.
I need a hug right now ... But ... I'm just too stupid to really tell anyone. I don't want to explode on anyone again (like I did on Jessi the other night over ... Dr. Who. I was acting like the biggest freaking baby to every exsist ...), but I just don't want to tell anyone. |
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| GAhHHH!!!! ><;;; |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|02:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
I'm so incredibly freaking out right now. I don't know what to think, what to do, where to go, what to believe ... It's driving me insane!
Right now, the rest of my life looks like either sitting on my big, fat, lazy bum and being a married failure ... OR being a dinky little piano teacher, concert-pianist wannabe that no one wants to see becuase she's fat and ugly. I absolutely hate this feeling right now.
I haven't practiced my piano in forever becuase it DEPRESSES me. Since when has playing piano depressed me?! I'm so stressed out over auditions ... What the heck?! How am I supposed to memorize four peices all of which are like eleven pages each?! GAHHH!!!!
I don't even know if I want to do piano for college anymore! I can't ask anyone for advice becuase none of my friends can answer me on that, and my parents say music (of course they do, becuase they've spent so much money on it!), and my piano teacher no DUH is going to say music. Other people say that other things would be good, but i'm so confused! I don't know what to believe! I don't think my heart is passionate enough with music any longer ... I can't play like I used to, no matter what I do ... I can't be musical and it makes me so sad!
Wah! Whatever! I'm so pissed off at myself right now ... |
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| Meh |
[Oct. 30th, 2005|09:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I was doing so good, wasn't I? A while since I last angsted, I think. Well, happiness doesn't last for very long in the human world, does it?
I'm sick of everything right now. I'm sick of all the selfishness in me, in everyone around me, in just ... EVERYTHING. Right now I don't think i've been more sad in a long while (if you don't count when Nick was pissing me off and making me want to kill myself on the spot when he wouldn't shut up about how he wanted to die).
I don't really know exactly why i'm so depressed. Or wait, maybe I do. I dunno, today has just been sucky. Jessi got on late (becuase of the stupid time zone difference), we didn't get hardly any time on together at all (last night was nice though, we got a lot accomplished), and she just randomly LEAVES without even telling me she's going. Yeah, I know, i'm being an idiot about it. It sort of hurt though. I never get to talk to her, ever, and i'm already jealous of the entire state of Washington, but when she just randomly leaves, probably to go socialize with people she's probably more fond of than me, it makes me really depressed. Gahh, I don't even know why the heck she's still my friend. ~.~;; How does she put up with me? The only people I trust are the ones that should like run away becuase they get all my crap.
My brother is being such a freaking retard right now. All day long he's tried to get me to drive him all over town. When I tell him i'll take him on Tuesday or Wednesday, he storms downstairs and gets online. Apparently, becuase i'm a "lazy fucking fat bitch who stinks and wobbles all over the place" he has decided to take his anger out on me. So for the past two hours, becuase I went downstairs to install Maple Story onto the computer for him and Jamie, he's been upstairs shreiking about how lazy I am and how I always hog everything. There's also been other things shreiked about me ... like how annoyingly fat I am, how no one is going to accept me becuase i'm fat, and how i'm a failure already. I sat in the bottom of my closet sobbing for two hours straight, becuase it's all true.
Nick was angry yesterday, but now i'm talking to him, and I feel a lot better. I don't know what had happened, but I think he's feeling better himself. I feel really lucky to have him ... I sort of feel like I need to just let go of my fears of commitment, romance, love, marriage, etc ... and just ... let this relationship play out. If Nick dumps me in the end ... Well, then I think i'll just have expected it and move on. I'll never forget him, but i'll try my hardest to move on. He's already told me to, anyways. But there's just something about him that I really can't put my finger on ... Something that makes me want to just snuggle with him so bad, and listen to his voice ... Dance with him under the stars ... Just stupid, romantic things that I feel like doing with only him. But what if, when he comes to see me, he's disappointed? I'm fat, ugly, and not that talented ... Just not an attractive person ... Why would he continue to love me? I mean, after all, it's probably selfish love he has for me right now anyways ... Not many people fall truely in love.
Well, it's off to forcing a smile for the world again. It's a good thing that the only person who knows when i'm BSing it all is the one who has this. I don't know what i'd do without Jessi ... I'm so glad God led our paths together. |
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| Ho Hum? |
[Oct. 11th, 2005|03:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disjointed | ] |
Well, I have a job! It pays 75 dollars a week ... and get this, rehersals for an hour and thirty minutes on Wednesday nights and playing one anthem at one mass on Sunday morning church! I do have to practice a lot though since I don't know the music T___T;; I'm really nervous! First practice is Wednesday night ... whee ... But yeah, what money I don't tithe and put in a savings account, i'm going to use to buy all of Stargate, Smallville, Avatar (when it comes out), Fruits Basket, X-men: Evolution (the last two seasons), Star Wars: Clone Wars, Samurai Jack ... MWA HA HA~! I also need to get a table-top RPG to play with my nerd friends. Oh! And I want to get a Kenji plushie for Jessi and an Aeli plushie for Emchan and a Riku and Snape plushie for myself. Mwa ha ha. I'm so psyched. Whoo, Astronomy exam today, gotta finish studying. |
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| Mwa ha ha? |
[Oct. 6th, 2005|11:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
Well, life isn't too shabby right now.
So far i'm making straight As in my classes (higher As, too!). I got a 98 on my first Astronomy exam, both my papers in English Comp 1 have aquired As, and all of my Quizzes in English have been 100+! I have really great professors, too. So far school is going good ... I got a high enough score the first time I took the ACT for a 75% scholarship, so all I need to work on is getting my math scores higher. (I got near perfects on the grammar, reading, and a really good score on the science ... I just did horrible in the math section! ><;; )
Piano is sort of depressing, though. I'm not learning my peices nearly as fast as Mrs. Rothschild needs me to ... I'm starting to get really, really, really worried. What if I don't have my peices done in time for college auditions? GAH! @___@;; I'm starting to freak over it! My Debussy peice is like ... so freaking hard! I'm so glad she decided to let me do it, since it's "easier" than the Schubert I almost did. Mwah!
Quartet is annoying the heck out of me. Becky thinks that she owns the world, and that the quartet is hers. It's REALLY starting to piss me off. Before, Miss Peggy would tell us what to do, make sure we're doing things right, and gave me and Becky equal chances at 1st violin parts. I usually gave Becky more 1st violin parts, since she's going to be a violin major. Well, little miss Becky decides that it isn't enough, and promotes herself to full-time 1st violin and tells Miss Peggy i'm fine with it, then shoves the 2nd violin music at me and tells me i'm playing 2nd violin from them on. Then she has the nerve to say "Oh! And Stephanie can drive down from Tallahassee every weekened to play in the quartet!" HA~! I laugh at that moronic statement. I'm so not driving down and spending five hundred dollars on gas just to play a dinky old 2nd violin part for a quartet that doesn't even get paid for most of the gigs. (We used to get lots of money, but now it seems all we do is charity ...)
On the up side, our new violist is really good. I really like him, he's sort of amusing. He's a really good sight reader, and I feel better now becuase he never practices (neither do I XD;; ). He and I are a lot alike with our string instruments, since neither of us ever practice but we both can read the music perfectly fine.
I feel sorry for poor Josh. The guy is alone for eight days, and he can't even come over and have dinner. I really wanted him to ... Mom even told him he was welcome to come over. T.T We could've watched Witch Hunter Robin together or something! Meh! Oh well ... stupid quartet charity gig getting in the way of my life again. Whatever. (I have a gig tomorrow and that's the only evening Josh was available ...)
I'm SO PSYCHED! Mom and Dad are letting me go visit Jessi for a Christmas present! OMG!!! I GET TO GO TO SEATTLE!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes me SO happy! And Jessi keeps calling and she says she misses me. She gets her internet back on Friday, so ... YAY! AND THEY HAVE A HOUSE! AND HER DAD FINALLY GOT A JOB! *soooooooooooo happy about that* ;^_________________^; And I get to see HSJ!!!! Hopefully. XD;; With my luck he'll like ... be out of the country. Ha. But yay, I get to go up to Seattle with the white snow during CHRISTMAS TIME!!! Of course, i'm coming home for actual Christmas ... OMG ... SO PSYCHED!!!
*calms down* Anyways! I'm starting to really like the idea of going off to college. I'm still a little afraid ... and i'm still really confused about what I should do ... But at least i'm not afraid of actually being there any longer. Now that i've gotten a little taste of what it's like to be in college classes, i'm not so scared. I'm sort of sad and afraid, however, that I might lose my friends ... No one is going off to FSU any more, and Jessi's probably going to college in Washington. *sigh* T.T
Mom says I can dye my hair green in the summer. MWA HA HA! >D I can't wait. I want to tipe it black and dye the rest green. Or maybe the other way around? Hmmm ... Also, my senior recital is going to be awesome. (Watch me jinx it and it turn out horrible ...) I really hope Nick can come down. I'm a little scared, to be honest. He hasn't been talking to me ... I don't really know him well at all ... Maybe I should just let him know he isn't for me now, so everything doesn't come to a crashing end later on? Mweh ...
Well, I should go now. Algebra calls ... I also have to finish Economics homework for Matthew (wow, it's so weird having him as my teacher!), and start studying for my Astronomy exam on Tuesday. |
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| Meh ... |
[Sep. 28th, 2005|11:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I feel so completely and utterly helpless and useless right now ... Apparently, i'm not a good enough friend to anyone. They all don't trust me ... or anything ... and I can't do anything to help them when they're sad or depressed, I just make things worse ... or do nothing at all becuase i'm an idiot ... yeah ... i'll just ........ go angst now ... wallow in my own self pity like the selfish, stupid, moronic, jealous, idiotic freak I am. Dad's cutting the internet off anyways. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2005|01:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
(Official My Chemical Romance website)
Way, Mikey
Bass
Injuries
1) liver damage
2) three broken toes (epic battle with a brick wall)
3) multiple upper respiratory infections
4) nearsightedness
(Wikepedia)
Michael James Way (born September 10, 1980), better known as Mikey, is the bass guitarist for the band My Chemical Romance and the brother of frontman Gerard Way. Mikey was born in Newark, New Jersey, but grew up in Belleville, New Jersey. He coined the band's name when he reshelved the book Ecstacy: Three Tales of Chemical Romance, by Irvine Welsh, while working at a Barnes and Noble. He is part Italian and part Scottish. His mother's name is Donna Way and father's name is Donald Way. He does NOT have asthma as many people believe, he has admitted this. He learned to play bass specifically because My Chemical Romance needed a bass player.
If you want to kiss Mikey Way, join this place? O.o;;- http://www.43things.com/things/view/247125
Well, that's pretty much all I could find on him. I randomly decided to go hunting for his information, since number one ... At first I had no freaking idea what his name was, so I went to the MCR website and found out. Then I googled him and the only information on him I could find was at Wikepedia. COME ON PEOPLE! MIKEY WAY IS SO MUCH SEXIER THAN GERARD! --;;; Gerard doesn't have glasses. |
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| Hmm ... |
[Sep. 25th, 2005|12:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lethargic | ] |
Last night I had a bunch of peeps over ... Kayla, Kim, Jordan, Peter (his brother Julian was SUPPOSED to come --; ), and Josh.
It was a lot of fun ... I felt really bad becuase poor Peter looked like he wanted to go, and he was falling asleep ... I mean, the boy stayed until TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! (He so has a thing for either Kayla or Jordan ...) When he left, Kim was like "OOOOH I wonder why the heck that boy stayed so late! He has a thing for SOMEONE here! *looks at Jordan and Kayla* Can't be me, becuase i'm getting married, and I don't think it's Stephanie ... Josh likes Stephanie ..." It was sooo amusing ... I love Peter, he's so great.
I was so freaking sleepy though. Around eleven or so, I felt like falling asleep ... but I didn't want to be rude to anyone. So I stayed awake. When Josh left (around 11:30 or so) he hugged me ... Yay z^__^z Josh hugs are the best. *sigh*
I'm slightly embarassed/confused though. Josh can't like me ... he just can't! Kim and Jordan and Kayla were all teasing me about him ... I didn't even bring him up! Kim goes "Josh has a thing for Stephanie ... he so does." When I tried to argue that he was like my brother, Jordan joins in with, "Oh, honey, you two both think of eachother more than friends ..." and Kayla was chuckling in the background, and adds, "Yeah, I wonder how much he thinks of you." THEN Kim goes, "The way you two look at eachother ..." By then, I was probably really red. *shakes head* Soon the subject changed, though.
But yeah, Josh can't like me ... It's just ... not right. I can't have to choose between him and Nick ... I mean ... if I could ... if I really, really could ... I would choose Josh ... but I don't want to hurt Nick ... I don't want to drive him away from Christ!
I mean, how evil would that be if you weren't a Christian and you thought that you could challenge heaven and hell, and then you met this Christian girl who completely accepted everything about you and cared for you ... you developed an attraction to her, and she admitted she was attracted to you ... you two made plans for you to come see her and everything ... and then suddenly she tells you, "I'm sorry, we can't be together ... You aren't a Christian, and I don't think you really love me ..." What would that tell you? That Christians were a load of bull! I don't want to do that to him! I truely and deeply care for him ... but I can't be with him if he isn't a Christian ... It isn't good for my spiritual health ...
Well, yeah, anyways ... Here I go again. I miss Jessi T__T;; I'm such a baby! -.-;; But I do! I miss her soooo much ... I'm jealous of the state of Washington becuase she lives there. Meh! Oh well, 'tis life and I REALLY need to get over it ... (This is getting really old ... I really, really need to get over all my stupid issues)
Ha ha ha ... anyways ... i'm so psyched about this year! There's so many festivities to partake in! A fall dance, Halloween is coming up, tons of highschool socials, a huge Christmas party, Jordan's throwing a huge New Year's party, Kayla and Kim might have a double b-day party, i'm having a senior concert, prom, graduation ... WHOO! I might have to get a new dress before prom. O.o;;;
I AM SOOOO THRILLED! (I've been so guy crazy lately XD;; ) At Kim's wedding, there's going to be a WHOLE LOAD OF HANDSOME NERDY BACHELORS!!!! AND I GET TO DANCE WITH THEM!!!! <.< >.> I mean, come ON! All of those groomsmen wanted to put ROGUE SQUADRON patches on their tuxes. HOW COOL IS THAT?!?! *ahem* I'm good, really. And if Ethan comes to the wedding ... I don't know what i'll do ... He needs to get married so I can have a reason to stop dreaming. |
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| Happiness is so hard to hold on to ... |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|09:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
http://www.xanga.com/SliceMeDeeper
That is my brother's journal for his other ... "self."
How far can you get from the truth, without completely changing the story? I think ... he answered that. Every little tiny portion of that self proclaimed "history" has the tiniest, most miniscule ammount of truth to it. My mom found that journal entry and started sobbing ... He doesn't realize how many people love him, and are in immense pain over what he's become. My father loves him, but he's too thick-headed to realize it.
I'm going through the entire thing, and i'm putting all my emotions out of it, and stating the truth from what I see it as. From what I know is true and right and what my siblings know as well.
Andrew is not allergic to everything. He is allergic to a few things ... Things like red food dye and something they put in fabric softener as well as cats. Oh, especially cats. He used to be REALLY allergic to 'em, now he isn't so much. He is NOT allergic to rubber, or shoes.
About eczema, he does have it. It isn't the WORST case anyone has ever seen. It was really bad when he was little, and it's been flaring up as of recent ... I feel horrible for him, I know I have no idea what the pain is like, but I do know what happened. Doctors didn't cry when they saw him, they simply told mom what to do ... It was a higher-end mid-range case. He couldn't sleep at nights ... Mom went in the room and rubbed his back until he'd fall asleep. She did NOT say he was insane, and never HAS! She used to cry over his crib becuase she couldn't do anything to soothe his pains ... My mother loves Andrew with her entire heart, she really does. She always gives him the benefit of the doubt, trusts him probably way too much, and wishes for him to be happy beyond all else. Seeing this made her sob.
When Andrew was little, the very first couple of years, until he was about two or three, my dad worked out of the house. He came home every day like a normal father did, around six or so. Once in a while he'd work late ... I remember playing Pony and Hop on Pop with him so often. Then he came home and started his own business, so that he could be with his family more ... That is the entire reason he wanted to work at home, was to be with us more. He loves us, and even though sometimes he has a hard time showing it, I know he does ... I know he loves Andrew, but he has no idea how to respond to the boy's strange and erratic behavior.
Andrew wasn't scared of my father when we were little ... At least, he didn't show it. He and I would giggle and laugh and tackle and tickle our daddy until he would cry uncle. We would frollic on the floor and play games, the three of us ... Me, Andrew, and dad. Our child-hood was a really happy, very blessed one, and sometimes I wish I could go back to it.
One day when we were still little, Andrew got out of the bath-tub and started running around the house naked, just like a little tyke would. He bumped into the wall and ... Well, there was his first set of stiches. Another time, I was about five ... Augh, I hate this memory, becuase I can remember it so vividly ... I don't know what provoked me, probably something stupid, but I picked up a tonka truck and threw it at Andrew. I was five, of course, and I shouldn't have done that ... I really, really, really regret it. I really do. It hurts now that he can use that against me ... But I was five. Five year olds do completely stupid moronic things. That was his second set of stitches.
In our old neighborhood, there was a boy named Matt (not to be confused with our next-door-neighbor at the time, my wonderful and lovely non-biological big brother Matthew Smith), who was sort of a bully. We played with him a lot, and argued with him a lot ... Now that I think back on it, he wasn't the best kid to hang out with. One day we were playing in our back yard, and Andrew and Matt started throwing grill coals at eachother. I laughed, stupidly, and joined in the fun ... Andrew ran up to the jungle-gym we had, and Matt threw one well aimed coal ... it hit Andrew SMACK in the forehead.
The poor kid ... It wasn't the deepest gash he'd had, but it was still a gash. Matt ran home, of course, the little coward ... And I screamed in horror and started crying. Mom and Dad took Andrew to the hospital as soon as they could ... Maybe to a young person, it seemed like an eternity, but it wasn't more than a few moments in reality. Andrew is loved, and he was taken care of as fast as our human selves could do it.
I don't know what Andrew was talking about ... being molested. It wasn't by any of us, I can assure you that. No, I can swear on that.
He was never completely alone. He and I were constantly playing together ... We played Barbies, American Girls, with our figures, in the sand-pit together, with the neighborhood kids, in the mud, in the forest, on the trampoline in the Smith's back-yard, in the baby pools and the Smith's pool, in the hose ... We played a lot of Star Wars, I remember, and a game we called "Poor Little Kids" (which was about us two, a brother and sister, who were orphans that worked in salt and pepper mines ... go figure!). Andrew and I were the best of friends when we were young ... We were nearly inseperable. When we played Star Wars, I was Leia and he was Luke. He was never always alone ...
Video games were played a lot in our house. He would spend hours playing Wolfenstein, which might not have been the best thing for him at such a young age. But we also had fun playing Commander Keen and Mario together, side by side, squealing in joy and horror as each 2D bad guy would come up and attack us.
The first time he ever saw ... "her" was not at Feild Day. It was at our own house. After we moved to our current residence, a new family in our group came to see us, becuase my mother was the Lending Librarian, and they needed books. "She" came over with her friend and siblings ... I still think that "she" and my brother would be an adorable couple. I think "she" is probably what he needs in his life. A little spit-fire. And "she" has always liked Andrew ... just like Andrew has always liked "her." Even though "she" has gone out with someone else, and Andrew has gone out with someone else, they've both retained a rather constant attraction to eachother. Andrew was thirteen the first time we met them.
My parents do fight a lot, make no mistake. But they love eachother ... Andrew is an instigator, by nature. He'll look at Jamie and go "You gonna take that from Erin? She just did ___!!!" or he'll tattle on someone to someone else and get them to fight. Mom and Dad fought a lot, not over Andrew always ... actually, that was very, very, very rare. They were usually fighting over finances and clothes and food ... Sometimes they'd fight over thier own families ... My Dad's family never really liked Dad, his wife, or his kids. So a lot of the time after vacations or before vacations that would come up.
Once or twice have they said "See Andrew, you got what you want!" after a fight ... That was becuase of self nature. They didn't want to blame thier own selves ... And once in a while, they WERE right. Andrew wanted something, Mom would stick up for him, giving him the benefit of the doubt, and then Dad would argue, but Andrew would win. Andrew always gets what he wants, whether it be money, food, clothes, things, opinions, girls, or a certain reputation. He can even manipulate people to his will ... That is why he can get what he wants. He should be a lawyer, he'd be very good at it ... He has so much potential, I wish he'd use it for good ...
The night we were heading to Disney ... Ha! Dad did NOT break his hand. Andrew threw the biggest 14-year-old temper tantrum i'd ever seen! He ended up slamming his own fist on the ground out of sheer rage, and then an hour later claimed that it hurt like heck. Dad was mortified, he didn't know what to do! He wanted to take Andrew to the hospital, but he was afraid Andrew would lie and say it was his fault ... At least, that is what the look on my father's face said. Confusion, that's what it was. I'm not a mind-reader, i'm simply stating what I felt in the room, looking at my daddy's face. Andrew got a hand-wrap for it for a little while, until it no longer caused him pain.
My father and Andrew have never been at best terms. Both of them are alpha males, and both of them are control freaks. They both fight for dominance in the house. Andrew wants something, Dad says no, then the fighting starts. Dad wants to do something, Andrew doesn't agree, the fighting starts. Andrew says or does something bad, Dad punishes him, the fighting starts. See a pattern here? My dad is only being a father, and Andrew has always been rebellious. My dad doesn't beat Andrew up ... We were all spanked as children, and I was personally spanked until I was about 14. So was Andrew. So what? That's what my parents believed to be a suitable punishment for our misbehavior, and I agree with them. My father NEVER beat Andrew. Andrew beat him more than Dad beat Andrew. Andrew would punch and shove my father (hey, i've even shoved my father, but he just stands there and takes it like a punching bag), asserting his authority, and my father would only stand there, waiting until he'd stop.
Well, once my dad kicked at Andrew, but Andrew was coming his way with a raised fist, and this was when Andrew was much stronger and bigger, and my dad was scared. That was once, only once ... Everyone makes mistakes ... My dad was very upset after he did it, and it didn't even hurt Andrew. My dad hurt his own foot becuase he missed and it slid off of Andrew's leg, and hit the wall. I saw the entire thing happen.
Now, Andrew never takes anything. If someone says something he doesn't agree with, he let's them have it. If someone does something he doesn't like, he let's them have it. If someone calls him a name, he'll call them fifty names, all at least three times worse than what you called him. If you even looked like you were going to physically harm him, he would build up into a rage and bite, pinch, shove, and twist your long limbs until you went away. If he gets punished for something he does wrong, he takes everyone down with him.
Okay, about ... being beaten up by candlelight. WTF? Is he really trying to state some melodramatic soap-opera-like scene here? As i've stated before ... HE WAS NEVER BEATEN BY ANY OF HIS FAMILY! He and I hit eachother a few times, SURE. I admit that. But he's hit me, too. We're brother and sister, oldest girl and oldest boy in the family. Of COURSE there's going to be some rivalry and fighting. But being beaten by candlelight? BS. That did not happen at all. He wanted to go see people, and he and dad had an argument or two ... They didn't fight much, though, becuase Dad was so busy fixing everything from the hurricanes, in which he got hardly any help from his children. I admit not helping him, and I feel guilty for being selfish and not doing it. Andrew didn't help much, either ... None of us did. Dad got frustrated a couple times and yelled at Andrew and me to help out, but that was his right as a father. We're his children, we should obey him.
I want to gag. I can't be unemotional about this part. I'm mad, angry, anguished, full of love, worried sick, frustrated ... I love him with my entire heart. I won't be melodramatic like him and say "I cry myself to sleep every night, alone ..." but I WILL say several times I HAVE wept bitter tears for him. I'm so worried.
It's like he has two personalities. Maybe three. Maybe four. The one that is seen in public ... the lovable, out-going, independant, inspiring, happy, bouncy, ADD Andrew. The one that is constantly seeking attention and friends and hugs.
Then there's the one filled will anger and hatred ... the one i'm the most scared of. I remember when I would be baby-sitting, and he'd get angry with me. I would shove all the kids into my room and lock the door, while he flung himself against it to get inside to us. He doesn't do that any longer, but ... I see the same rage in his eyes when he gets mad. It's almost like he's possessed ... it's so frightening.
Then there's his depressed self ... the one that does yearn for love. He's constantly fighting with everyone, and he's so opinionated and he thinks that he's always right ... how can he not see that is why so many people disagree with him? We all love him, we do ... But you don't have to agree with everything someone says to love them.
Then his last personality ... His sweet, loving, gift-giving, knight-in-shining-armor-complex side. This I miss so much ... I remember the cute little tan blonde boy with the speech impediment that would always play with me. He loves rescuing people ... And if he really is a Christian, just a lost one, then his spiritual gift is definately the one of giving. He loves to give things to people to show how much he loves them. Once in a while ... this side of him will still peek out of the others.
My brother isn't evil ... and he isn't horrible ... he's very, very, very, very lost right now. Seeing this from him ... it left me speechless for moments. This morning I came home from English, full of hope and happiness, and my mother is in tears at the computer, and asks me to read something ... and I did. I feel horrible for my mother right now ... she's so confused, she doesn't know what she's doing wrong ... She loves him dearly, trusts him, but gives him rules to abide by, and even when he says he hates her, her eyes are filled with love for him. Yet he has betrayed that love she so often gives to him ...
How can he do this to us? How can he betray us like this? How can he twist something so much, to make him look like the poor, little, abused, molested boy when in reality, he has a wonderful life! He has so many friends ... I don't know how many are fake and how many aren't ... He has a family that loves and adores him no matter WHAT he does. Jamie IDOLIZES Andrew. When Andrew is a jerk, it breaks Jamie's heart! Andrew is his hero! My Dad hasn't known what to do for years ... Andrew asserts all authority my dad tries to put over him ... My Mom just wants him to be happy ...
I just wish he could see the truth. The REAL truth, now the twisted, distorted, surreal world he's created in his mind. Sure, i'm fat, but that doesn't give him right to say that EVERYTHING I tell him isn't right. I love him, and i've told him so many times over the last couple years ... He usually screams at me when I tell him, and runs off in a fury. It confuses me ... If he wants to be loved, then why does he run away from it? That's how he is any time anyone tries to show him ... |
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| Meh? |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|08:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
Today wasn't very eventful. I almost passed out in English 1 this morning, slept 'till 3:30 (stayed up 'till 5 this morning RPing with Jessi), had a very amusing astronomy class that was mostly about moons (I got lots of Rhys doodles in), and I sat by the adorable nerdy dude in the planetarium. So yeah, that's about it. |
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| T__________T;;; |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|07:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Last night was okay. Even though I don't agree with Catholic ways, one of my best friends is Catholic, and I respect that. I worry for her, and pray for her a lot, and once in a while we debate on things, but I don't try and shove anything of my Faith in her face. Last night Mrs. Olivos and Laura were shoving things in her face and it made me mad. Then Krista and Rachael Rogers were all saying how stupid it was.
Whatever.
The Brothers Grimm was good. I felt bad for bugging Matthew at work. I hope Zach isn't too depressed.
Today when I got home, I fell asleep, since I stayed up all night long. Well, I fell asleep after I watched Greg in the beginning of his college football game, anwyays. Then I did my astronomy homework, and fell asleep. Bleh.
When I woke up, I got online and tried to talk with some people, but mom randomly came in my room and announced she was going with dad to pick up our hummer. I told her i'd watch the kids. Ten minutes after she leaves Miss Joan calls and wonders why the heck i'm not at quartet practice.
I almost started sobbing then. How could I forget about quartet practice?
Mom and Dad were both gone, Mark and Olga were gone, Andrew was sleeping, and I had no way of getting there. So, I called mom up, and she screamed at me for ten straight minutes, then hung up. I had to call Miss Joan back and tell her I couldn't come ... all I could think of to say was "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry!" over and over and over ... I think I detected the slightest hint of pity in her voice. Probably becuase Miss Peggy was livid. I think Miss Peggy hates me, right now. Becky probably wasn't too happy either.
Once I was off the phone I sobbed until Miss Tammy randomly came by. I had to dry my tears so I could find an item of Kayla's that she left at my house, and then when Miss Tammy was gone, I couldn't help but burst out into tears again.
Forty-five minutes later mom slams the door open and starts screaming at me again. She kept telling me how lazy I am, and how that if I didn't stop trying to skip out on practices that we'd sell my violin and i'd never be allowed online again. But the thing is ... i'm not the only one to blame in this situation. I told mom yesterday, Saturday, and Friday that I had quartet at 5:30. I forget ... and it's mostly my fault ... but she keeps telling me that I never told her, that I lied and told her this afternoon that we didn't have practice (I didn't tell her anything but "I don't know").
So I went into my room and cried myself to sleep ... |
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| Whoo! |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|01:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
There really isn't too much to say. I started my first English Comp 1 class (i've had three classes so far), and my first Astronomy Intro class was on Tuesday. Both classes are really great so far, and i'm really enjoying them. Apparently there aren't any exams on the English course, just essays! At least, I think that's what he said, I dunno. o.o;; But Astronomy sounds a little intimidating with the math part, which will come soon-ish.
Last night I had a dream with Nick in it ... I dreamt that I was at my senior recital, and that I was really really nervous beforehand. Jessi arrived, and I was really psyched becuase I didn't think she'd come, and all my other friends came. Everyone I ever cared for came. Then, Nick showed up RIGHT before I started playing, and I heard mom saying something about how he called her and they talked about him coming down? I dunno, but I literally tackled him and clung, and snuggled ... and ... I wish I could see him, so I could feel like that in real life T.T It was so great! *sighs* Sometimes I wonder if I sleep just to dream ... to be in a fantasy world that everything can be solved by just thinking about it.
But yeah, I ended up doing REALLY badly with my peices, and then crying, and then Bandit randomly attacked Brandon and he died. The only good part of that dream was Nick. @.@;; Poor Brandon ... I woke up in the middle of the night, totally freaked out, and I saw Bandit and jumped. So I had to sleep out on the couch with the TV on in the background. I know i'm wierd, oh well.
Though my IRCC courses are going well so far, i'm really nervous and depressed about going to FSU soon. I don't know what i'm going to do ... my peices aren't coming along well, and i'm starting to freak out. I have college auditions in January - March. That's not too far off. I'm really, really, really scared. And I still don't know if I want to do music or film ... I'm so confused!
Meh Meh Meh! Anywaaaays. I miss Jessi ... She can't be online becuase the computer is broken and she can't call me becuase it's like fifty million dollars every minute (she has to call from a Verizon phone, and it's only free if it's to another Verizon phone, and we have Bellsouth home and Nextel cell ><;;; ). *sighs* I'm getting really depressed without her. T.T I NEED MY JESSI!!!!!! *sniff* I'm soooooo pathetic! I wish she was here in Florida ... the missing her I think is starting to set in. I wanted her to take Astronomy with me ... Everything reminds me of her ... Augh, and I still need to send her birthday present, but I don't know her address and I can't call her! *frustration*
I think Kayla is changing ... again. Yes, again. I really, really, really am getting irritated with her. She's always complaining about everything, and she never looks happy, and she won't tell me ANYTHING. I have to like dig my fingers into her to get her to tell me a tiny bit. I KNOW there's something more than what she's telling me. I guess i'm not trustworthy anymore, even though I keep all of her secrets. *sighs* Whatever.
Krista's home! But she's frustrating me, too. She keeps complaining about Laura and Kayla, and I seriously don't even give a crap about that situation anymore. I've had it, so I just let it go. Krista won't leave it alone, and talking with her ALWAYS brings it up. It makes me depressed again, every time I hear it.
Oh, i've been searching for a youth group ... so far the closest i've gotten is the Methodist youth group down the street. I think i'm the oldest, which is sort of sad ... I feel like such an outcast there, but less so than other places. Morningside I felt like I wasn't good enough for them, West Side is stupid and all the people are sluts and whores and hicks, Jordan's youth group is diminishing, Brianna's youth group is way too old school for me ... I think I want to visit Josh's youth group sometime, and see what it's like. Maybe I won't be such a freak there, and at least i'd have Josh to hang out with if I got too lonely ...
About Nick ... we talk on and off. Usually when we talk he's sort of depressed in the beginning, and when I have to go (or he signs off) he's happy again. Is it really me? I don't want to believe it, but sometimes it just seems like it ... But see, what makes me really, really sad inside ... what brings my heart pain, is ... well, I keep thinking that he loves me for me feet.
I'm embarassed to say it ... But yet again, I have gotten myself trapped in a relationship with a very dependant and opinionated non-Christian who only loves me becuase I give him attention. Nick wouldn't love me if I hadn't accepted everything about him, and deep love ... the type of love that my heart yearns for, is the type that loves becuase ... just becuase. Not becuase someone gives you attention, or becuase someone has nice feet, or becuase someone says they love you. But becuase you really truely love that person ... You love everything about them, even thier faults. That is unselfish love, and that's how I feel about Nick. Well, yeah, maybe ... maybe some things are selfish, becuase i'm human, and it's in my nature ... no one can truely, deeply, perfectly love anything without God ... and God's love is unconditional, non-romantic. It's just pure love.
Then there's the issues with me ... I told him I love him, and that I have feelings for him ... but ... What if it's just some school-girl feeling that comes and goes? I don't want to say that i'm in love with him, becuase I don't want to be lying, even if it's on accident. What if the same thing happens with Nick, that happened to Robert and me? I still feel horrible about that ... absoloutely horrible. I wish sometimes that I never exsisted, becuase I know I hurt him. But what if I hurt Nick? Nick would probably go off and let himself die somewhere ... I don't want him to do that. I want him to see the Light and know the Truth and go to heaven, living a happy, full life. But I can't do anything about his Salvation. That's between him and God, and sometimes I don't think i'm helping out at all.
Besides, he's so in love with an old love of his who died ... that he says he's going to prove everyone wrong, and be with her even in death, heaven or hell. How am I supposed to compete with that? There's something so appealing about a "romantic death," as Lord Henry from The Picture of Dorian Grey (by Wilde) mentions several times. People want to die honorably, tragically, and noticeably ... they want to leave a name for themselves in the world, when they finally do go. For some reason, he seems so drawn to that, and it really hurts me ... Also, the fact that he's still in love with someone who is gone ... That hurts even more. I know that I truely don't hold his heart, that somehow it is lost along with his love Lisa, and that the only reason he's attracted to me is becuase of my feet.
Though, he says that he's going to come down for my Senior Recital (which is turning more into a real live concert every day). I'm really psyched about that ... If we still feel the same way about eachother then, he really is who he seems, and he comes ... Do you realize what this means? For the first time in my life, I will be in the same room with a male who cares for me deeper than he would a friend or sister. He told me a couple weeks ago, when I doubted that he loved me, that he could proove it to me if only he could hold me in his arms ... I want to hold him to that.
I just feel so very lonely right now ... I want someone to love me, to hold me in his arms ... Everyone i've known has had a boyfriend or girlfriend by now ('cept for Josh, of course ... my fellow dork-and-loser comrade ... but Josh is pretty handsome, tall, talented, and great ... the only reason he's never had a girlfriend is becuase he doesn't want to date until he's at least eighteen ... my reason is that the only guys who have ever liked me were online, and the only relationship I had wasn't even really official ... and I had to end it becuase I wasn't in love with him, and he asked me to marry him ... so basically, i'm ugly, fat, and stupid and all the guys here know where to find girls so much more worthy than me). So, I feel left out ... Kayla is changing constantly, Jordan and I don't see eye-to-eye often, Jessi is gone, Becky can get a little overwhelming ... I just really need someone right now to cry on thier shoulder ... someone to tell me they love me ... Too bad I don't want to get married, and really can't get married. That would make it a lot easier ...
Erm, well, sorry for that random ranting, there. Guess I needed to get it out? Well, I think that's about it. Until next time! |
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| Hoo! |
[Aug. 25th, 2005|11:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
Well, I just thought i'd say that our journey to Sarasota was amazing! I had so much fun! My first IRCC class of the semester was pretty cool, too. So far I like our teacher. But anyways, i'll edit later to relate all of our Sarasota adventures! I'm worried about Jessi, becuase when I got home she hasn't been online since the day I left (I think) ... and mom isn't letting me check the message she left on the phone (not that she isn't LETTING me, more like I don't know the password to check the messages, mom won't tell it to me, and she keeps forgetting to let me listen). |
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| Woah ... sorry @___@;; |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|08:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
Who, sorry I haven’t updated. Right after that entire ordeal my parents left for Hawaii and grandparents came to watch us, then our modem got zapped for lightning and I had to wait until dad got home so he could buy us a new one. So yeah …
For starters! Nick is doing well right now. He’s happy, he hasn’t been booted out, and he might even come see my senior recital! Thanks everyone for your prayers (that can even see this!).
Okay, well … to relate what has happened … My grandparents coming was interesting. My Granny drove me insane. I love her dearly, but … oh my gosh! Constantly fussing about my parents never do anything right, how we all do nothing right, how we should do everything differently, and how if we did things her way everything would be perfect. We went to an oldschool church and I wasn’t even allowed to put my NICE jacket on because “I would look trashy.” She went through all of her stuff and even bought us furniture because ours wasn’t good enough.
On the hand, I was so proud and happy of my Granpa. He was in a near-fatal car accident when my mom was 19, and he wasn’t even supposed to live another year … now look at him! He may be paralyzed from the waist down, but he’s alive and kickin’! Outwitting everyone at chess, still the amazing genius he is, watching and reading sci-fi things (he and I talked about sci-fi/fantasy novels we’ve been reading and shows we watch on the sci-fi channel), has his PhD (I’m SO PROUD of him!), and is even teaching at a University. I’m so happy that he’s feeling better … for the past couple years he’s had a rough time working, trying to earn his PhD, and being in pain … but everything seems better now, and he’s not grumpy any more. Yay for that!
I wrote another chapter to my HP fanfic, so that made me happy (while my modem was fried) … I also started playing The Wind Waker for the first time, and restarted playing Ocarina of Time! Also, I realized KH: II IS COMING OUT IN ONE MONTH! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *fangirl scream and melt*
Anyways … oo;; Yeah, everything is good right now, I think. I went to the doctor today. I have to lose weight. Maybe now that the doctor says I have to mom and dad will start buying food that is diet worthy -____-;; A person can’t go on a diet when ALL there is in the house is ramen and hot dogs.
Oh! And I’m going away for the weekend with Kayla and Jordan! I need it really badly. @_@; |
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| .................... |
[Aug. 9th, 2005|04:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
Whoever reads this ... my friend Nick needs prayer. Much prayer. The following conversation should explain. I tried to help, but I think I made it worse. I sobbed the entire conversation away, begging God to give me words to speak to him ... but I don't think I did it right. I think I only pushed him farther away ... Kyo says he just wants attention, and there's always been my fear of internet people (what if he's an ax-murderer?), but ... what if this is real? What if I didn't fall for a fictional character someone made up? What if he really is going to die ...?
AlbertBasil: I just want to say an early goodbye
Saria Lunai: nee?
Saria Lunai: you're actually talking to me? *clings*
AlbertBasil: I leave tonight.. by midnight
Saria Lunai: where are you going?
AlbertBasil: I don't know where.. I assume to my death..
Saria Lunai: what?!
Saria Lunai: @____@
Saria Lunai: what the bloody hell?!
AlbertBasil: I was kicked out. I have no place to go.. and my body needs more water than most do.. so I don't even get a full 72 hours
Saria Lunai: oh my gosh! i'm so sorry!
Saria Lunai: augh!
Saria Lunai: there's no one you could stay with at all?
AlbertBasil: Nope.
Saria Lunai: x__________x;;;
AlbertBasil: For some reason I feel like I should be upset.. but it doesn't bother me...
AlbertBasil: Even knowing I get to walk out of here and just find a place to wait to die at... it doesn't bother me.
Saria Lunai: it upsets ME! I know no one gives a damn about my feelings anywhere, but I don't care! grrrr ... damnit damnit damnit ... I wish mom and dad were here and I wish they weren't paranoid about internet friends, becuase i'd yell at them until they let you stay with us until you got on your feet ><;;;;;
Saria Lunai: you don't even have any friends you could live with for a little bit?
AlbertBasil: I'm screwed that route.. my cousin is a police officer and I'd been kicked out before.. asking for a ride they called him and he and another officer went and pulled them over and told them to go back or they would arrest them etc
AlbertBasil: And my family is friends with every judge on the bench.
AlbertBasil: They could erase my existance without a thought if they wanted to
Saria Lunai: I know you probably won't be able to call me, but i'm giving you my number anyways 772-878-7552
AlbertBasil: I won't be able to.. the nearest pay phone is a half an hour drive... two day walk
Saria Lunai: maybe you should go to a church and see if anyone would help you ...
AlbertBasil: Nearest church is also a half an hour drive
Saria Lunai: do you have any money at all from work?
AlbertBasil: I have absolutely nothing.
Saria Lunai: and what the hell is your family's problem?! NO ONE should just ... BOOT thier son out of house with NOTHING!
AlbertBasil: I'm at peace with it honestly.
Saria Lunai: i'm NOT! all your life you've been treated like crap and I wanted to be able to at least show you that you're worth something before it was too late ... I love you, I don't know to what extent I love you, but I love you dearly and you deserve something so much better ... but you're just going to let them walk all over you and then give up
AlbertBasil: I can't do anything.
Saria Lunai: if there's a will there's a way
AlbertBasil: I live in a barren countryside. No water, 98 degree days.. I won't make it anywhere
Saria Lunai: so what, you're family is just going to let you die?
Saria Lunai: how evil
AlbertBasil: Yep.. they don't hold responsibility over me anymore
Saria Lunai: they should at least care
AlbertBasil: I don't see this as anything bad.. I honestly don't..
AlbertBasil: I think it is just God telling me I've tortured myself enough over Lisa's death, and I can finally lay my head down to rest
Saria Lunai: what about Lisa's death?
AlbertBasil: I could have prevented it all..
Saria Lunai: what are you talking about?
AlbertBasil: But I didn't.. I pompously turned down doing something with her on her birthday that would have kept her friend from shooting her
Saria Lunai: ...............
Saria Lunai: that was NOT your fault!
Saria Lunai: what happened happened ...
AlbertBasil: No matter what you say. I've torn myself up over it for 5 years.. it was my fault, and nothing can change that feeling.
Saria Lunai: Nick! it isn't your fault! I swear it isn't! you shouldn't blame yourself for things like that! you couldn't see what was coming, no one can see the future except for God ... if it was her time, it was her time, and what is done is done and we can't do anything about it
AlbertBasil: No, it was. And this goes to prove it.. I"m being given a release because I've punished myself enough for that sin.
Saria Lunai: this is NOT a release becuase you've punished yourself! you were beating yourself up over something that was completely out of your hands, and what your family is doing wrong no matter how they feel about you
Saria Lunai: you hold the weight of the world on your shoulders, even when you shouldn't be taken too much more than your own burden
Saria Lunai: *taking
AlbertBasil: Death isn't a punishment.. it is a release.. a gift granted to those when they have served out what life has to offer for them
Saria Lunai: and it isn't your fault, I promise you it isn't ... you should let your heart heal, Nick ... sure there will be scars, but you need to heal enough to let the wounds go away
Saria Lunai: it's a punishment if you aren't saved
AlbertBasil: For me to get to go to my death, there was nothing in my future
Saria Lunai: there could be
Saria Lunai: there could be a lot
Saria Lunai: I've always had a feeling that you have so much potential, you just ... don't really look for it, del ve deep enough for it ...
Saria Lunai: and usually when I have feelings about people or things, they're right
Saria Lunai: even if I had only spoken with them online, I can tell
Saria Lunai: I might not be pretty, or talented, or diligent, but I can tell when someone can be something so much more, if only they reached out to take it
AlbertBasil: Though this song isn't exactly what has to do with my situation... the lyrics calm me..
Saria Lunai: what song?
AlbertBasil: "Grant me wings that I might fly, my restless soul is longing. No pain remains, no feeling. Eternity awaits."
AlbertBasil: That is all I hear in my mind.
Saria Lunai: Nick ... you don't have to be in pain any more ... death isn't the answer to that ... not right now
AlbertBasil: I don't feel pain.. I jsut feel calm.. a bit relieved too
Saria Lunai: well that doesn't mean you should give up everything
AlbertBasil: Giving up? It is called accepting.
AlbertBasil: It doesn't bother me really.. I know exactly how I want it to end... I want to be found at Lisa's gravestone.... wearing her necklace and with the first love poem I ever wrote her in my pocket.
Saria Lunai: there's a difference ... you're supposed to cherish life and hold on to it
Saria Lunai: Nick, do you think that she would want you to hate yourself over her? do you think she would want to you let yourself go over something that wasn't even your fault?
AlbertBasil: None of that matters to me anymore.
Saria Lunai: right now I wish more than anything that I could give up everything to bring her back for you ... but I know that's impossible
AlbertBasil: I get to see her again... that is all that matters
AlbertBasil: I don't ever have to go to visit her and say goodbye at the end of a visit... I get to look at death, embrace it.. and be greeted by her again.. to say hello.. to get to hear how much she has missed me.. just as I have her.
Saria Lunai: Nick ... I hate to break it to you ... there is a heaven and a hell, and I know that this is true ... if you don't know Jesus as your personal Savior, and if she didn't ... then you both will be consumed in flames, and you won't be focusing on spending time with her, you'll be crying out for one drop of water ... and if you're saved, then that's wonderful, you'll go to heaven ... and that would be the only reason anyone should look forward to death ...
AlbertBasil: No... that isn't true... Love transcends life and death.. people believe solely in heaven and hell but are wrong. Jesus died teaching something even greater. His love for his people, his sacrifice brought him back.. his love surpassed pain and suffering.
Saria Lunai: love is the greatest thing in the entire world, yes ... love made it possible for us to go to heaven
Saria Lunai: Jesus sacr ificed himself so that we made have a bridge to get there
Saria Lunai: and only by his blood will we not suffer for our sins
AlbertBasil: One can't walk with God by just accepting him, one must love him... and the strength of your love is what keeps you able to stand steadfast in the eyes of all evil in this world
Saria Lunai: one can't walk by God just by loving ... one must accept that His son died on the cross for our sins, and love as well
AlbertBasil: Love itself is the strongest emotion in the world... love can make a dying man forget his pain and struggle to stand to defend his family, it makes a mother give her life to protect her children.
Saria Lunai: you have to admit you've sined, believe that Jesus died on the cross for our transgressions, and then commit your life to the Lord ...
Saria Lunai: yes love is the strongest emotion, but it cannot make you immortal
Saria Lunai: human love is selfish
AlbertBasil: Come heaven or hell I'll prove those words wrong.. that I assure you.
Saria Lunai: only through God can you have unselfish love ... the only unselfish love there is ... is that He gives us to love everyone with
Saria Lunai: Nick, don't be stubborn ... I love you ... does that not matter to you?
AlbertBasil: I've lost enough... I can't lose anymore.. not even God himself can truely knock me down.. he can only knock me to one knee to kneel
AlbertBasil: But I'll get up again, an eternity in hell can't stop me from being with her again.
Saria Lunai: I guess not, it never mattered to anyone
AlbertBasil: I can't have attachments to this life.. if I am to die, I am to strip myself of everything that mattered in life so as to go with no regrets.. to not feel fear. To not plead and beg for just one more chance.
Saria Lunai: Nick ... you can't control things that great ...
AlbertBasil: That is where you are wrong, I am only chained physically.. my will.. my mind... my heart are mine. No God can control it.
Saria Lunai: your will is yours, and your heart is yours
Saria Lunai: but where you take it can grant you eternal punishment
AlbertBasil: He intended it that way.. That is how he wanted it.
Saria Lunai: he doesn't want you to be lost
AlbertBasil: Then give me eternal damnation, if I am granted to heaven where she is not, then I will make decent as a fallen angel to be cast to hell. I don't care.
Saria Lunai: He wants you to be in heaven one day, enjoying eternal life, not suffering
AlbertBasil: Sometimes heaven isn't always as others think
Saria Lunai: you're being selfish then
AlbertBasil: I could be in heaven, but without her, it isn't heaven.
AlbertBasil: No, what is selfish is everyone in this world trying to interpret God's will.
AlbertBasil: If we were to have things as it is preached to us he would not have made any of us with free will. We are to think for ourselves because we make our heaven and hell.
AlbertBasil: Our sins lay heavy on us, and you pay for them, no matter how small or how great the burden.
AlbertBasil: Those who burn in hell aren't truely in total anguish, they were placed best suited for where their desires had taken them.
Saria Lunai: i'm not trying to interpret it! i'm sitting here sobbing, begging God to give me the words to give to you! you're loved! you can have a wonderful life! but you won't give up the pain you've harbored in your heart for so long! you don't understand that there is something besides that one fateful day!
AlbertBasil: Those words are a waste, even if my parents reconsider tomorrow after sleep my feelings won't change.
Saria Lunai: becuase you won't let them
AlbertBasil: No, there is no need. I just sit and wait to die.. I just wait.
Saria Lunai: you could be doing something amazing
Saria Lunai: becuase I know that you could
AlbertBasil: No, it is a waste. I'm partially dead already.. and there is nothing worse than impartial death
Saria Lunai: a heart can be healed
Saria Lunai: but only if it allows it
AlbertBasil: Nothing in life truely matters, we die as the hands pass on a clock. Tick childhood passes, tock, you graduate highschool, tick you are married, tock, you are at your children's graduation, tick you are a grand parent, tock your life fades away.
Saria Lunai: which is why you need to hold on to life as much as you can
AlbertBasil: In the end death consumes all
Saria Lunai: there is life beyond death, but only if you have chosen the right path
AlbertBasil: You can't escape it. But you can choose how you go. You can choose to stare it in the eyes with conviction and steadfast resolve, or you can go with regret.
AlbertBasil: This is a waste of your time, I'm a waste of your time. It is best if you just go on with your life and forget about me. Things won't change.
Saria Lunai: it isn't your time though ...
Saria Lunai: you are NOT a waste of my time! I could never forget you, ever ... not if I tried ... not even if something struck me on the head and I somehow forget everything elsle
Saria Lunai: *else
AlbertBasil: Yes, you can. You choose not to.
Saria Lunai: maybe things won't change ... maybe you'll always be in love with someone that is gone ... but my heart is in your hands, and I can't take it back, believe me ... i've tried and tried and tried ... do you think I wanted to fall for someone who lives halfway across the country, who I met online, and who is in love with someone else? someone who wants himself to .. in the words of Lord Henry "have a romantic death"
Saria Lunai: you can't choose how you feel about someone, but you can choose to let it take control of you or not
Saria Lunai: I might be able to move on if you go
AlbertBasil: Then you have control, take your heart back. You just waste your time
Saria Lunai: but it will always be there, and I won't be able to forget you ...
Saria Lunai: maybe you should listen to your own words
Saria Lunai: and i'm not wasting my time
Saria Lunai: stop saying that
Saria Lunai: you are the only male outside of my family to even care
Saria Lunai: it is more than worth it to me
AlbertBasil: No, it is a waste... I don't want to have to be the badguy and crush the feelings.. but I will if I have to...
Saria Lunai: crush my feelings all you want, i'm used to it
AlbertBasil: Then just walk away. I want to be able to fade away.. even if I end up being able to stay, I want them to be gone, so you can move on with your life.
AlbertBasil: And I don't live half the country away.. it is about a 16 hour drive to Florida =p
Saria Lunai: my feelings? i'll try, but i'm not promising anything ... i've tried to rid myself of emotions since I was twelve, when I noticed I needed to stop having such emotions about anything ... everything I ever try only makes things worse
Saria Lunai: and even if I didn't feel this way about you, I would still love you as a friend, and i'd still be hurt that you are being like this
Saria Lunai: my list of what happened this summer "my old best friend ditched me, my new best friend moved away, I have no idea anymore what I want to do with my life, I might have some sort of disease according to the doctor, and the one I love died"
Saria Lunai: or, if I WAS able to rid myself of these feelings, a very dear friend died
Saria Lunai: in any way I love you, and if you don't care that's fine ... but just please don't leave ...
Saria Lunai: and how in the world can you say that so casually? who cares about technicalities right now?
AlbertBasil: I said it mainly because I can =p
AlbertBasil: When I actually know something.. I say it
Saria Lunai: lol ...
Saria Lunai: Nick ...?
AlbertBasil: hmm?
Saria Lunai: can you please just give life another chance? you'll eventually die anyways ... so can't you just ... hold on to it for a little while longer? at least try and find a way to make it work? the easy way out is death ...
Saria Lunai: please?
Saria Lunai: ...
Saria Lunai: I love you ... i'm sorry i'm not Lisa ... i'm sorry I can't do or say anything that's worth anything to you ... I wish I could bear the pain for you, or take it away ... but I know I can't ... and i'm sorry i'm so helpless ... but I do love you, and I want you to know that ...
Saria Lunai: ... I guess you're gone
Saria Lunai: i'll still be here
Saria Lunai: even if you are gone ... or if you're sitting there ignoring me
Saria Lunai: just know that someone cares deeply for you ... |
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| GAHH!!! |
[Aug. 8th, 2005|03:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
OMG! I AM SO FREAKING TIRED OF MY STUPID POSER BROTHER TAKING ALL OF MY DREAMS AWAY FROM ME! >____<;;;;
What the heck is his problem? Five years ago I decide I want to be a concert musician, and Andrew decides he wants to be a concert musician. I want to be in a rock band, Andrew wants to be in a rock band. I want to be an entertainer, Andrew wants to be an entertainer. I want to tour the world and perform, so does he. I want to go to FSU to study music, and so does he. I finally decide that I want to be a composer, and you know what? He comes home from his lessons today and announces he wants to be a composer.
It wouldn't matter ... 'cept for that when Andrew wants something, you better get out of his way.
He bashes other people who are going into the same thing he is, and makes sure he's five hundred million times better than them ... he pushes the others to the side so they can't be see and outshines them all ... in music that's how it is, and i'm nowhere as near as good at being competitive as he is. He has the perfect personality for the music world, and i'm a ugly, fat little pushover who gets upset over the smallest things. I would never make it, no matter how hard I tried.
And you know what is bothering me the most? He's better than me at everything I want to do. I'll start something and fall in love with it, and he'll come up and start it too ... and then decide he wants to master it. So then he masters it and becomes so much better than me at it. Especially with music. It makes me so depressed. I'm not even jealous of him, I just feel so utterly stupid and useless.
Maybe i'm afraid he'll get more attention. Or maybe I feel like he's going to take all of my opportunies. He's so much more "lucky" than I am ... everything falls in place for him, and I have to work and work and work at something and it still is only half way decent. All he has to do is express interest and everything is perfect. That's never been the case with me, though.
I mean i'd never be a good composer anyways. I can't compose anything. Andrew on the other hand ... he's already making up so much stuff, he improvises beautifully, and he can even sit down at the piano (which is MY instrument) and play something random. I can't even get five notes out when I sit down for an entire day. I have all of these beautiful peices and sounds in my head, but I can't get any of it out. Nothing. Zilch. Zippo. Nadda.
I've had it.
Maybe i'll go into film after all. Ha ha, watch Andrew follow me there. Then he'll get all the goods and i'll end up some second rate piano teacher with twelve kids and a crummy husband becuase I had bad discernment while my brother is some multidollar billionare that owns his own record company, plays in five bands, travels the world performing, and puts out three major films a year. |
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| I dunno? |
[Aug. 7th, 2005|07:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
Not feeling too great right now. My Grandparents are here watching us kids while my parents party in Hawaii for thier 20th anniversery. I can't even wear a jacket in church becuase my Granny says "it looks trashy." -.-;; Meh. Whatever.
Nick is acting wierd again. I had the most wonderful talk with him a few days ago ... I felt so loved by a male for the first time in my entire life. Then he randomly signs off and the next day I IM him and he's "Very busy at the moment." I've never heard him say that before, ever. Then the next day I IM him and he says "Not in a talking mood." When I continued and said "All right, i'll be here if you need me. I'll leave you alone ..." he goes "I said I didn't want to talk." The next day I IM him and see if he's doing okay, and the only response I get is "Didn't I say I didn't want to talk?" and today when I tried, he didn't even reply.
I feel horrible! I did something wrong and I don't even know what. I'm trying really hard ... maybe I said something the wrong way. Is that it? I must have ... Augh, I feel so stupid and helpless. Why won't he let me talk to him? All I want to know is why he's always so sad ... It hurts so much. I thought he said he trusted me? I guess he was just saying that becuase he pitied me, like so many others.
But yeah, now i'm randomly angsting. I was so happy earlier when I was talking to Jessi, then BOOM the angst drops in. Now i'm ranting to Choco about nothing in particular, and I just feel overall like a big peice of crap. I need some sappy romance ... badly. |
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| Mwa ha ha! |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|08:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
I just thought I should let everyone know ... I feel so accomplished right now. >D;; I ordered the Star Wars Episode III Soundtrack off of Wal-Mart.com! I was planning on buying the first two Harry Potter books, but ... I decided mom would get too mad if she found them laying around one day. Still! I ordered something without help! It was a giftcard ... but ... still!!! |
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